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Rumored to be the test tube child of a genetic experiment between the two Joans (that’s Crawford and Collins), the little Secretia-fetus was packed up into a bucket of ice and shipped off to Podunk, Wisconsin, where she was raised by her surrogate mother. Although she never met her sperm donor father, little Secretia came to know many of the truckers, traveling preachers and nameless drifters who stopped by the trailer park for a “quickie” as “Daddy”.
Early on, Secretia exhibited tendencies towards performing and a penchant for Nolan Miller gowns. At the age of eight, she opened her Vegas-style, one-woman topless revue much to the surprise of her third grade class. After just three short minutes, the show was pulled and like one of her famous mothers, Secretia turned to booze, pills and regular beatings of her adopted daughter for comfort. Secretia rediscovered her love for television when she appeared in an episode of THE JERRY SRPINGER SHOW entitled “You @!#*ing Whore, You Stole My Man”. Secretia immediately cleaned up her act, and with a bottle of Absolut in one hand and a pill dispenser in the other, Secretia dropped her daughter in rehab and headed to Tinseltown.
Upon arriving in Hollywood, Secretia looked up her biological mother and had a brief meeting with Joan Collins. It was awkward. After a string of pornos and fetish films, Secretia landed the lead role in SUCCUBUS (much to the chagrin of producers, but to the delight of its director). The rest is movie history. Currently, Secretia can be seen walking Hollywood Boulevard with her cardboard sign that reads, “Will work for booze”.
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